Romance Gone BAD
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: **CH 3 UP! Bashing at the really cheesy romance stories (lemons in particular). Making fun of 3 different story plots that butchers cheesiness to no bounds!
1. Nice helping of cafeteria food

Yep, I have decided to take it upon myself to write this ever dramatic fic, which isn't really dramatic but I'll just say it is. My reasoning is that I don't have a reason... that would take too much thought which requires brain cells... something I don't have. So, to make things short, I don't own anything at all, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing, and instead be spending my huge pay check on a trip to Hawaii or the Bahamas. Anywho, read, review, and floss often.

Ryou ran through the streets of Domino city crying, his clothes ripped and beginning to fall off of his tattered body. He couldn't believe that THAT had happened to him. Tears streamed down his face as he recalled what had just occurred...

__

Flash back...

Ryou walked into Jounouchi's apartment, which really doesn't make sense since Jounouchi's a minor and isn't legally allowed to even have an apartment, but we'll just ignore that for right now. As he walked into the living room, he saw an enraged Jounouchi coming towards him.

"How could you?!" He screamed angrily, throwing a vase at him (emphasizing anger here).

"What did I do?" Ryou asked in a timid voice, not really sure what was pissing his boyfriend off.

"You've been cheating on me... with Honda!!!"

"WHAT?! No I haven't!"

"Yeah you are! I saw you two alone together... TALKING!!!" Jounouchi threw some more stuff at him, obviously not really having anything more to back up his accusation.

Ryou fell to the floor shaking. "But you talk alone with people all the time!"

"Well... that's different! I'm a jealous boyfriend who over reacts for simple reasons in order to add angst to the story plot," Jounouchi nodded in agreement to his own words. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm supposed to angrily rape you at this time, adding to the drama effect, even though it's totally against my character, but that's just how things go."

"Wait! Aren't you supposed to smack me to the floor first?"

"Huh? Oh yeah! Could you stand up real fast?"

"Sure." Ryou stood up, and was quickly smacked back down to the floor by the ever pissed Jounouchi.

"Okay, NOW I'm going to rape you to show my ever growing rage!" Jounouchi said as he came down upon the soon to be victimized Ryou.

__

End flash back

Ryou couldn't keep himself from crying, knowing what the love of life had just done to him. He was so terribly saddened that it didn't even occur to him how stupid his boyfriend was, considering he had only just let him leave after raping him, not even thinking that he might get his ass hauled off by the cops and butt raped everyday by the other prison dwellers. Of course, Ryou was as stupid as his boyfriend, because instead of going to the authorities, he just simply kept running like an imbecile, and just so happened to run into the arms of the person in question, Honda.

"Ryou, are you okay?" Honda asked, somehow looking past the fact that Ryou clothes were ripped and practically falling off.

"Honda, it's awful," Ryou cried, "It's Jounouchi! He raped me!"

"Noway!!! Why would Jounouchi do that?!" Honda asked angrily. "It's totally against his character, not to mention the fact that you guys barely even talk to each other during the series, making it less than possible of you two becoming a couple to begin with!"

"I know!" Ryou buried his head into Honda's chest hoping for some type of comfort.

"Hey, why don't you come over to my place so we can talk, which will result in sex even though I'm normally too straight for my own good , which is totally obvious, but I'll make an exception just for you!" Honda smiled at him reassuringly.

"Oh, okay, I'd like that," Ryou smiled back at him. Sure, most rape victims would probably not feel to happy with Honda's words since practically none of them get into a relationship for a very long time after such an incident, much less get it on, but Ryou was a VERY fast healer, and most lemon/angst writers are horny bastards, so they need their favorite characters to screw like weasels in heat in order to get a hard on, and you can guess the rest.

Ryou went home with Honda, they talked about Ryou's problem, fucked like rabbits, and then fell asleep. The next day Honda woke up really mad because of what had happened to his little sugar muffin, so he went down to Jounouchi's house to kick his butt. Sure, Ryou would still be raped, Jounouchi would heal and go on about his business, and the cops would still not have a clue on what had happened, but it would make Honda feel better so he went and did that. Jounouchi was sitting on his couch, feeling totally bad about what had happened, and decided to try to be a pity case in hopes of mosying on out of his inevitable ass whooping. 

"Honda, it's awful! I raped Ryou! I don't know why, I was just so filled with rage and hatred towards you because you two were talking and I got jealous because I wanted my boyfriend to be a loner with no life and have everything he does revolve around me!" Jounouchi buried his face into his hands.

Honda put his hand onto Jounouchi's shoulder. "There there Jou, it's gonna be okay. I'm sure that Ryou will forgive you eventually... maybe... Don't worry, I'll be here for you as a shoulder to cry on."

"Thanks man."

"You're still gonna get your butt kicked, you know."

"Oh... what about some random sex instead?"

"That works too."

Honda and Jounouchi then went, hit the sheets, and Honda got back home at a later time. He now felt bad because he had just cheated on his new boyfriend, who technically wasn't his boyfriend, but more or less his one night stand friend, but he felt bad, none the less. 

Ryou, seeing that his love bunny was now back, jumped into Honda's arms, had a quick make out session, and then decided to ask where he had been.

"You've been gone all day. What's wrong?"

"Well, you see, I'm gonna have to tell you about how I did indecent things with your boyfriend/rapist, but before I do that, how about some more sex?"

"Okay! Can never have enough sex you know!"

After another horny session, Honda then broke the news about Jounouchi and him. Ryou then felt so betrayed.

"I can't believe you! I trusted you!" Ryou cried as he clutched himself feeling terribly used. "First you sleep with me, only to tell me you've been sleeping with my boyfriend!"

"But I kind of did tell you before, but then offered the bed session, which you agreed to."

"So?! I'm supposed to be the victim! Stop trying to make me sound so stupid!"

"I don't see the point of that. You seem to be doing fine on your own."

"How can you treat me like this?! I cared about you! I thought you felt the same, but I was wrong! All I am is some object of your lustful desires!"

"No..." Honda said, not too convincingly. Ryou then threw on his clothes and ran outside to the park. There Jounouchi stood, looking like he was about to commit suicide, even though he didn't have a weapon, poison, or any sort of pills that could kill him, but he still LOOKED like it, so therefore he was. Ryou decided to stop him from making this stupid decision.

"Jounouchi, don't do it! Suicide is not the answer! I forgive you for raping me, boinking my comforter, and not calling to see if I was alright because I love you! Sure, it took sleeping around, masturbating, and reading a few dirty magazines, but I know now!"

"Okay, I won't kill myself with... air(?)... because you told me to. I'm sorry for doing bad things because I was wrong. Now lets make up and have an ending sex scene which will ensure the reader that we're going to stay together forever."

Ryou and Jounouchi then had there dirty scene which has been edited out since I don't write that crap... just heavily insinuate it. They then got married, had kids (don't ask), grew old, and stayed together forever and ever and friggin ever. 

THE END


	2. Sloppy Seconds

Yep, I liked writing the first chapter to this, so I'm gonna continue with the next one. None of the chapters have anything to do with each other. They just simply are put up for amusement and to show the world how terribly pathetic romance stories are. Yes, now that you have been revealed the truths of life, you must be enlightened by reading this mind numbing fic.

Seto Kaiba was walking about one day, apprarently having all the time in the world on his hands even though he owned a prestigious company and such, but because this is about mushy feelings, we don't have to make everything logical. It was around this time he saw off in the distance the love of his life, Yami Yugi. He then decided to go talk to his crush.

"Hi,"he said stupidly, not knowing what else to say. For some reason, being the psycic bastard Yami apparently is, he realized Kaiba's feeling automatically.

"Seto, I love you too! I thought this whole time you hated me."

"Well, you see, I did, but then thought 'crap I'm horny' so I moseyed on over here to go start a conversation with you, and, if the author has her way (most lemon writers are girls, you know), we'll be in the sack before we've gone through a whole page."

"Ah yes. Don't you just love how these things are rushed so quickly?"

"Yep. So... let's go to my house for pizza and sex."

"Sounds good to me!"

Kaiba and Yami Yugi went to the large Kaiba estate to go do explicit things behind closed doors, which everybody in the fic will somehow know about within the next scene. Speaking of which, why don't we head on over to the next scene now.

Bakura and Malik were sitting over at Bakura's apartment, who seemed to have the same fix as Jounouchi from chapter one. They, at the moment, were talking about their awful, no good boyfriends. 

"Yeah, and right now, My boyfriend Yami and your boyfriend Seto are sleeping together! I feel to used!" Bakura whined, feeling awful about the relationship that was occurring behind his back, which he really shouldn't logically know about, but somehow just did.

"I know! And know what's worse? I was talking to Yugi the other day, and know what I found out? He's... straight!"

"No way!! Out of all people, Yugi?" 

"Exactly! Next thing you know, he'll be involved in straight movements and in the next ten years, men will start going out with women and all hell with break lose!"

"You know, all this is really disheartening," Bakura said mournfully. "I've got it! Let's sleep together! That way we'll make each other feel better, get our boyfriends jealous, and make many readers hot and heavy at the same time!"

"That's a great idea! Geez, you're such a genius!"

"Well, I do try."

Yeah... they went and did that. Even though this is off the topic, but haven't you ever realized that when one couple is gay in a fanfic, every other guy in the story becomes gay, too? Maybe it's just me... Anywho, morning arrived, and Kaiba and Yami Yugi were laying there in bed still. Of course they hadn't bothered getting up, not needing to eat, pee, and that Kaiba's company worked for itself. 

"Hey, Seto, are we going out now?" Yami Yugi asked, " Because I know we only just hit the sack together, but that doesn't always mean we're in a relationship, even though it's inevitable that we're going to end up together at the end of this, but I need to ask to put the reader in suspense."

"Oh yeah... can never forget that part. Okay... ummm... to make things really angsty, no, we are not a couple. I just felt like getting laid, even though it was clearly stated in the first paragraph in the story that you are the love of my life... the author was lying. I'm sorry."

"Oh no big deal. I'll get along just fine and call up somebody to comfort and boink me."

"No, no, no, no. You're supposed to be all upset, start crying and have a hissy fit, followed by running out of the room dramatically. THEN you call the pity party."

"Thanks for clearing that up. You're so helpful!" Yami then began to get into the mood. "Right... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED ME!!! I HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" Yami cried as he ran out of the room. Magically, his clothes reappeared on his body, hence not needing to put them back on before he ran off. He then went to his apartment, making him just like Bakura and Jounouchi (geez, all of these illegal minors living on their own. tsk tsk), and then called up his boyfriend to come make him feel better.

"Hey Malik... could you come over here. Something awful happened! I cheated on you, I didn't mean to, even though I wasn't forced, on drugs, under the influence, or anything like that, but it still wasn't my choice."

"Umm... Yami? We aren't going out," Malik explained, "You're with Bakura... remember?"

"Oh... er yeah... I knew that... I guess the author forgot which one she put me with, you two looking so alike and all."

"Whatever. I'll put Bakura on the phone," Malik gives the phone to Bakura.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bakura... could you come over here-" Yami then repeated the exact same words to Bakura.

"Oh I already knew about that!"

"How? There wasn't the slightest detection of me and Seto liking each other, and we only decided to get better acquainted today."

"It's funny how those things work," Bakura laughed, "You see, I just kind of knew that would happen, so me and Malik decided to hook up! Isn't that great?"

"... Bakura... you're supposed to get mad and hang up the phone angrily," Yami said irritably, "Then, you have one of two options. You either will (a) get into a steamy sex scene with Malik to release your tension, or (b) come over here and rape me to show me how pissed you are. Now make up your mind, and go with the story layout."

"Oh screw the story layout! I wanna stay here and play checkers!"

"WHAT?!" Yami screamed, "YOU DON'T PLAY CHECKERS IN AN ANGST STORY!! IT'S JUST NOT DONE!!!"

"I don't care! I'm not gonna let some horny writer dictate my every move! I'm a cartoon character, dammit! I sure as hell haven't seen Mickey Mouse have an orgy with Donald and Goofy, so you can just kiss my albino ass!" Bakura then angrily hung up the phone, followed by getting into a steamy sex scene with Malik, not realizing he had just failed to beat the system.

Yami was now angry, knowing he was boyfriendless and now had lost all meaning to life, even though it has been proven that boyfriends usually tend to weigh you down and keep you from accomplishing your goals in life, such as traveling, going out with your friends on weekends, getting that paper done, studying for your final exams, pursuing a job that could keep you financially stable, you know... stuff like that, which obviously doesn't matter. 

Just then, there was a knocking at the door. Yami Yugi answered to find none other than the man who's company has an artificial intelligence, Seto Kaiba.

"Yami, I just want to say contradicting all I've said before, that I'm madly in love with you, and want to get it on with you, thus making this story end happily."

"Oh Seto!" Yami then fell into Kaiba's arms and was carried off into the bedroom where they did more dirty stuff, which tells the reader that they're gonne stay together for the rest of their miserable naive lives.

THE END


	3. Here's dessert!

This is about my sixth attempt of the third chapter of this story, and hopefully, this one will actually make it. All the other times, I'd have an idea, but then get quickly uninspired. Anway, here goes nothin.

Malik sat by himself looking gloomy, letting us all know that he was feeling bad. No, he did not feel peachy, happy, pissed, or horny (well, maybe a little). He was just gloomy, aka sad. He felt this way because he had, unlike everybody else in the whole bloody world had a boy/girlfriend, and he had jack shit. It was obvious that the world he lived in was on drugs, because even if he isn't your favorite character, you have to admit that he's rather hot, therefore him ending up without a lobve bunny when wanting one seemed pretty much impossible. Malik stared over jealously over at some fat boy with acne who had a super model all to himself. Why couldn't he have somebody sexy to love him too?

"You okay?"

Malik turned around quickly to see Yami looking at him curiously, wondering why he was all by himself.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Malik said, not wanting Yami to be worried.

"Okay." Seeing that everything was okay, Yami then thought he would leave, knowing that his services were not needed, and the world was still a happy peachy place. Malik saw that he was leaving, got pissed that Yami didn't realize that he was feeling miserable even though he had said the opposite, and decided to blurt out some crap to make himself the pity party.

"It's just that everybody has someone except for me."

"But you just said everything was okay."

"Yes, but you are supposed to ignore that."

"You lied to me?!" Yami felt crushed. He had just tried to make somebody feel perky and now he was being deceived my Malik sly, back handed words.

"No, stop thinking that way! If you start hating me, we won't end up together like the author has intended?"

"End up together? When was that decided?"

"Simple. You were the first guy to show up on the scene, therefore making you the person I end up with."

"But what about that fat guy with acne? He was on the scene way before I was!"

"Yeah, but because everybody on this earth is shallow, I need to end up with someone pretty."

"Ah."

"Okay, now you've gotta say some consoling stuff to make me happy, followed by me falling madly in love with you, and everything will work out because both of us are single."

"But it was stated earlier that everyone in the world other than you had a boy/girlfriend. Wouldn't I qualify under 'everyone'?

"It seems that once again the author lied to you." Malik put his hand on Yami's shoulder. "I'm sorry." 

Yami clenched his fists, trying his best to hold back the tears. He found that he couldn't keep his composure any longer and conveniently situated himself into Malik's arms. "Why is everyone deceiving me?! I didn't do anything wrong!! Not other than execute defenseless peasants when I was pharaoh, pushed that old couple down when running today, stole that little kid's ice cream, and destroyed Kaiba's ugly white tank coat."

Malik held Yami close, doing his best to comfort him. "Some of that crap you did was very wrong, and your soul should burn in the ever lasting fires of hell for it, but since you destroyed the evil tankcoat of doom, I wouldn't be surprised if at least a couple of your sins have been forgiven."

"Thank you Malik. Those are the nicest words anybody's ever said to me." As if on cue, Malik pulled Yami in for a big slobbery kiss, and they made out for a long time. Then, realizing they need to breath, even though that doesn't make sense at all because cartoons don't breathe at all, romance writers just have a tendency of putting that in for whatever reason, they pulled away from each other.

"Yami, I have a question for you," Malik said huskily into Yami's ear.

"What?"

"Do you sleep on your stomach?"

Yami pondered the question for a moment, wondering how the hell that makes it's way into a conversation. Thinking it over carefully, Yami replied to him.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Can I?" Now it all made sense! It was part of a cheesy pick up line, which always make the characters swoon in romance stories. Yami immediately nodded, and went in for another make out session. They then went to a Motel 6, got it on like monkeys in spring, and lived happily ever after.

-END

Oh good, I actually finished this one. I have to say that I like this series the best out of what I'm writing right now. I just wish I had more inspiration. I'll probably check around the net for creepy kinky couple fetishes people have, probably something with Pegasusx"insert character" cuz that guy creeps the shit out of me. I dunno, I was watching the dub one Saturday with him in it, and his voice is so messed up and wrong that he probably gives small children nightmares... that or reminds them of daddy's new wife Tim... neither of which can be too good, I am sure. Why do I have a feeling that I have just insulted half of the readers skimming through this fic? Whatever, anywho, I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can and remember to never go out with a boy named Petie with a goat fetish... I'm not sure why, but that's what I was told. Till later! 


End file.
